Walking on Air
By Stefan Freedman
A Selection of
Musings Culminating in the Description of
a New Latihan Group
First Published: April 2014
Revised: February 2016
What
Is Spiritual Growth?
For
me it’s about integration. Intellect without spirit limits itself. Spirit
without intellect is ‘ungrounded’. A successful marriage of the two produces a
practical spirituality which can support an ethical way of living. That interests
me a lot.
Voice
from a Tree
I had a time in my life when my inadequacies as a step-parent
were weighing me down. I’d always dreamed of contributing to world peace and I
couldn’t even get it right in my own home. What difference could one flawed
person’s actions make?
On
a day when I was feeling downcast to the point of despair — and I suppose
inwardly asking for help — I had a strange experience. For the first and only
time in my life, it seemed as though a tree spoke to me! It was just a modest
looking tree full of little dark seed-pods which were open. Readers may think
I’m nuts. I heard in my mind the tree say something like: ‘Look at me. My
nature is to be abundant with seeds and to let the wind scatter them. I don’t
know which ones will root and grow or which will not. It’s okay — I only have
to fulfil my nature.’
Shortly
after that the thought came to me, ‘plant seeds for the future’ (and I try to
accept that we never know which ones will take root or not — and that’s okay)
and this experience has sustained me.
The
Communication Tango
It’s such a partner dance, to express yourself freely without
treading on another person’s toe — or to hear someone else’s free expression
without reacting to buttons that are being pressed. Especially when it includes
people from faiths and nations who have a long history of conflict. When this
becomes possible, my heart sings. I try to sidestep all my deeply ingrained
pains and suspicions — and to allow for sensitive spots of other people — so
that we can forge common ground.
Fear
and Courage
Bapak urged us to be courageous. Yet I notice that Bapak
and Ibu’s advice contains a lot of cautions. And there are so many talks and so
many warnings! Taken together these can feel oppressive: a web of prohibitions,
danger signs and reminders that we should try harder, be more sincere, more
patient, etc. It’s so different from my direct experience, which shows me the
value of compassion. Compassion is demonstrated in unconditional acceptance of
others and of oneself. I feel irritated with someone but let it go. I feel
disappointed with myself but let it go, feel fear but let it go, — and trust
myself to step into the unknown.
This
may be the heart of the matter. Having the courage to allow everything we have
denied to surface. My own gradual emergence has been something like this. The
latihan has dispelled much of the fog in my mind, and the intense shyness that
used to hold me back. It has helped me feel my emotions and a connection with
my body, and has sharpened my intuition. I see that the latihan can be a
remarkable teacher.
Passive
Aggression
It’s
a widespread tactic in Subud to treat suggestions for improving the stewardship
as negativity. And then say that we should examine ourselves rather than project
our negativity onto Subud! So those who feel responsible and try to improve
things end up feeling judged and stigmatised.
I
have come to see this ‘calm yourself and look to your faults’ response as
passive aggression. It purports to be harmonious but leaves others feeling
downtrodden, creating intense frustration in the person with unresolved
questions.
This
happens so often it becomes like a repetitive-strain injury. It is a worldwide
phenomenon that causes initiative-takers to withdraw from committee roles and
community life. And often to leave Subud. That’s so unnecessary!
How
a person feels inwardly when making suggestions just isn’t the point. It’s
like seeing a kid about to get run over. Who cares about inner-motivation? Save
the kid!
Carrying
On
There’s a saying: ‘If you keep on doing what you’ve always done,
you’ll keep on getting what you've always got.’
After decades of simply carrying on it’s useful to ask — okay, so what else
might we do?
Subud
without Religion?
I’m heartened that Ibu Rahayu said last February: ‘Bapak spoke
about this in talks; Subud should adapt to the circumstances and laws of the
countries in which it operates. Subud can adapt to any situation. It can even
adapt in countries that do not recognise religion.’
Sometimes
she is so on the case! But doesn’t this conflict with her strong plea, around
the same time, that we adhere strictly to the opening statement once suggested
by Bapak? Such references to The Power of the One Almighty God would need
to be relinquished in order to adapt in a non-religious setting.
I
think she wants to try to please everyone and keep things harmonious — which is
the Indonesian way. It does leave certain conflicts rumbling underneath, yet we
still gloss over them instead of acknowledging them and working through the
core issues.
I
work worldwide with groups, and many are interested in what might be called
spiritual energy. I am fortunate to know a lot of people who are into
consecrating a time and a place for experiencing something beyond our regular
experience. Well, some of these are people who meditate. Others are into
non-dual awareness (challenging the illusion of separated selves). Some are
‘none of the above’ — kind of spiritual freelancers. Belief in God is one way
to approach this open state but surely it is not by any means the only way?
In
Defence of Old Farts!
Someone
posted on Facebook that the problem with Subud is having so many old farts in
charge(!). But I admire elderly people who continue
to play active roles. It takes great dedication, faith, tenacity, etc. to stay
active in your seventies or eighties. However frustrating the ‘guardian’ view
is to reformers, it is genuinely well meant. I try to separate out the issues
that frustrate me from the individuals, who have much in common with me.
Dedication, tenacity, idealism and cherishing of the latihan — I guess we all
want the same thing, while our different views of how to get there result in a
polarisation. Same diagnosis, different prescriptions! Each person pulling
their weight is sincere and deserving of appreciation. We just need to figure
out what will work.
Soul
Food
When Bapak coined the term ‘a life within a life’ I felt it
described the latihan experience well. Being moved from a place other than the
ordinary volition, hearing one’s own voice utter words and melodies not
consciously known, feeling a deep inner peacefulness: such things are
consistent with the idea of an ‘inner self’. Is this the ‘soul’?
Untapped
Potential
Several people are describing great untapped potential in the
latihan — as a potential help to humanity. And in different ways frustration is
being expressed about Subud’s very specific style of stewardship which
seems to make hearing about it and joining like an obstacle course. I’ve read
some very specific pronouncements about what needs to happen. Well, this
is where I get a bit wary. As soon as someone knows what everyone else should
be doing, the danger is (history shows us so often) of replacing one
strangle-hold or tyranny with a new one. Some of the prescribed remedies
don’t simplify access to Subud but just offer a new set of funny ideas that
everyone would have to subscribe to. I prefer to stay with a ‘beginner’s mind’
approach. There’s a lot about the latihan we don’t yet know. There are a lot of
potentially interested people who haven’t heard about it. And others who
don’t recognise its inclusive and universal nature because of the way it’s been
described. More exploration is warranted.
Keeping
Up an Image
Most organisations have a public image to maintain. The more
spiritual or ethical an organisation aspires to be, the higher the stakes. They
will feel extreme humiliation if something sleazy or awful is revealed. They
risk losing membership, funding, credibility and cohesion. So it’s
understandable why some office holders feel an impulse to sweep ugly,
burdensome problems under the carpet. Subud often operates in just this way.
Not only for the above reasons but added to them is a quest to ‘stay
harmonious’, a tendency to look at problems as ‘only
purification’ and a desire to maintain the light and anxiety-free
atmosphere the latihan can create. People who threaten to disturb this oasis of
tranquility tend to be shunned or scapegoated. And when conflicts do boil over,
we often seek to resolve them through testing. Unlike a truth and
reconciliation process, this still enables people to avoid hearing the
viewpoints of all involved. Instead we try to find a smooth-it-all-over-quickly
type of solution.
I
want to help seed a more honest, ‘real’, fair and supportive intention among
the latihan community.
Deprogramming?
One of the things that attracted me about the latihan was the
possibility of being released from some of my ‘programming’ — from rigidity,
inhibition, the need to fit in and please — as my own essential nature began to
unfold itself. It took a long time, especially as I had a strong need to fit in
and be accepted. Ironically, three decades later I found myself noticing how
many Subud ideas had become part of my habitual way of thinking. I didn’t grow
up in Subud but for a period of about twelve years I did absorb a lot from hearing and reading Bapak talks in a very receptive
state. I literally catch myself and give myself a shake sometimes because
certain notions now seem to me like prejudices I soaked up without realising
it. And some of these adopted ideas acted as fears and inhibitors.
Through
conversations with other Subud questioners, which this web site played a key
part in, I started to become clearer about how many specific notions I had
taken on board. My aim was to come back to a place of ‘beginner’s mind’. Not
rejecting the ideas necessarily but re-embracing the ‘don't know’ which feels
more growthful to me than certainties.
Early
Bapak talks had a lot to do with the spiritual aspect of life — the forces that
pull us hither and thither. That made good sense to me. As for hosting the
latihan, the emphasis was on simplicity. Over time a number of agendas arose,
to do with such things as enterprises, and Subud’s structure. The tone — it
seems to me — became more prescriptive. Two problems with having an
authoritarian spiritual leader. First, it creates dependency on another
person, whereas the latihan practise potentially makes people less dependent
and more self-reliant. Secondly, when the leader dies, all that remains are
static words that cannot adapt to new situations and can be interpreted
differently by different people. This has been a limitation for many movements
led by a charismatic figure, and surely applies to the direction Subud has been
taking.
Bapak
once said he was just like a school janitor, and not a guru. His words were
guidelines which nobody had to take on trust, and not teachings. But with the
huge body of recordings and the status they are given in Subud, many treat them
as if they are the teachings of a prophet or spiritual teacher. So there are
two ‘streams’ as it were in Subud. Those who place Bapak firmly in the centre,
and those who find his words over-emphasised. (And some in-between, of course.)
There
is a big problem with second-hand authority. Things get inflexible when people
act on behalf of someone else’s guidelines, often interpreting them narrowly.
Unfortunately a whole array of limiting ideas have become part of Subud’s Helpers
Handbook, which endorses and perpetuates them.
As
I challenged my own programming, my ‘dissenting’ views became more challenging
to others. Some perceive me as pushy. It’s so hard to fight for principles
while still keeping an open heart and mind — to object to unskillful behaviours
while still respecting the people involved. (And I see that most preachy
helpers I know are very genuine and sincere!) What to do?
Testing
Fever
I have witnessed in the UK, as a friend in Australia commented,
that ‘helpers keep extending the domain of matters they seem confident to test
about’. And yet the main avenue for Subud’s growth (or the main impediment) is
the helpers, who are the gatekeepers. I genuinely appreciate that many helpers
have served sincerely for years or decades and deserve appreciation. At the
same time, many helpers I know seem to be change-averse, evaluation-averse,
fatalistic and hostile to any ‘interference’ — even from less conservative
fellow helpers. There seems to me to be a degree of ‘attachment’ (to roles,
past ideas, habituated ways) to overcome before a discussion even gets started.
Then
when things finally get discussed a huge effort goes in, but the results are
not systematically acted on, and the status quo just reasserts itself. Sorry if
this sounds cynical. It’s been hard for me, after decades of trying ‘from
within’, to accept that most people just don’t want change — even though (IMO)
there’s an urgent and crying need for it if Subud is to serve humanity, or even
to survive!
Why
Did the Ip Switch?
The latihan is a free resource which anyone can try, as they may
try yoga, qi gong, meditation, mindfulness, Pilates, prayer, etc. It could have
at least as many participants as all these other therapeutic or spiritual
practices. So why not? It boils down to two things IMO. ‘Guardian’ attitudes
and ‘expert’ attitudes. ‘Guardians’ have definite views on the quality and
integrity of Subud, and the suitability and readiness of applicants. ‘Experts’
imply, sometimes subtly, that the applicant or ‘ordinary member’ knows nothing
of value yet, and needs to give up their mistaken ideas and trust the Subud
expertise of the helpers.
Seven(!)
of my local Subud friends in Ipswich, UK, had bailed out for various reasons,
mainly to do with local and visiting helpers who assumed they knew what was
best for other people, and gave genuinely well-intended but patronising advice.
For some, it was because when they asked questions they felt they were always
‘shut down’. Some also disliked attitudes about women and the separation of
women and men. Two people felt, for different reasons, unwelcomed by certain
helpers and withdrew because they didn’t feel able to open themselves
spiritually in an unsupportive atmosphere.
All
these considerations led to a kind of ex-members support group I was involved
in. And when we eventually decided to start a new latihan group it was not in
opposition to Subud (which some of us still very much appreciate and support)
but as an alternative, for others who didn’t feel at home and required a more
liberal and equal set-up. In my ideal latihan group nothing is enforced, and
people communicate freely about what they need and what might improve their
experience. We learn as we go and develop, not only from the latihan, but from
communicating about it.
Do
Mixed Latihans Make You Horny?
After years of taking cautions about mixed-gender latihans and
various other warnings as binding, and operating from a careful and sometimes
fearful place, I’ve come round to a place of trust.
I
trust people to try whatever feels right — or worth exploring — and to be
adult, responsible and self-monitoring. This way respects peoples’ maturity,
freedom to make choices and ability to learn by experience.
We
build in a time before latihan to share in a circle anything that’s coming up,
and this is part of creating a safe environment. Not limited by other people’s
concerns but discovering our own way, as a group of equals. We’ll see from
experience if this is workable. Early days yet, but so far so good.
Fresh
Air
Here’s a work-in-progress: a style of hosting the latihan which
is being tried and tested in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK. We launched the group in
August last year.
Active
Inner Response (AIR) was set up collaboratively by five active Subud members
including me — and six former Subud members who are still interested in
practicing group latihan. Since then others have joined in, several travelling
60 to 90 minutes for latihans. In AIR we have freed ourselves from the
following ten Subud conventions:
1. Helpers
system
In
AIR, all are equal and peer support is given and received by all willing.
2. Three
month intro process
In
AIR a person makes inquiries, talks with practitioners, and joins in when (s)he
feels ready.
3. Standard
recommended opening statement
In
AIR a person, having decided, may simply join the group exercise without any
ceremony. Alternatively, they may make an intention silently or aloud, in their
own words.
4. Membership
requirement
In
AIR we recognise that for some the exercise may become highly valued. But
there’s no way for an inquirer to know in advance how important it will be, and
there’s no requirement to sign any form or to be a member.
5. Advice
against ‘mixing’ or ‘meditation’
In
AIR we respect any individual’s interest in meditation, yoga, healing,
psychology, etc. The only advice is to refrain from consciously using other
methods during the half-hour exercise.
6. No
gurus or spiritual leaders
In
AIR we consider that everyone, whether experienced or new, has their own
preferred sources of wisdom, and no wisdom is officially ranked above any
other.
7. Attitudes
that can close down conversations
There
is no advice that discourages logical thinking, planning, asking questions,
challenging orthodoxy; no taboo about discussing spiritual questions, reading
diverse spiritual sources, psychological literature, political or ecological
engagement, passion, etc. For those who want to take part, there is a sharing
session (talking together/peer support) before the exercise.
8. Assumptions
about gender
AIR
supports women and men in following freely their own choices. There are no
‘guidelines’ concerning women’s periods, dress code, subservience to husbands,
gay relationships, a duty to have many children, etc. There is no taboo against
mixed-gender latihans, though the aim is to provide people with a choice.
9. Prohibition
on advertising
The
AIR group have no desire to persuade anyone to do the exercise, and also no
concerns that inhibit networking or simply letting others know it exists.
10. Opposition
to changes
In
spiritual communities where the inspirational teacher has died, members usually
stick closely to past advice rather than innovate. This can cripple
initiatives. AIR is based on the idea of emergent learning. We will learn from
one another and from practical experience, and improve and adapt as we go
along.
We
are on a learning curve and welcome all feedback including constructive
criticism.
Okay, where do we go from here?